Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
