I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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