You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
