my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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