Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
