There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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