I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
