he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
