I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
