even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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