Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
