oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
