you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I deserve this hangover.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
