I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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