i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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