i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
