Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
