im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
