...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found puke in my bra..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
