We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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