I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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