Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
vagina is talking i cant
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
