Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
