Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
