i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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