eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
