"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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