it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
