sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize