your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
