the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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