I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
