Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
