That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
