Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
