she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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