I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
