After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
