I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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