I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
