the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
