and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
