You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
