You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
