i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
