I accidentally had phone sex last night
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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