my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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