Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
