dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
