Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
