I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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