yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
