He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
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You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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