i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
