My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
