I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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