I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
