Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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