So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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