I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
That accounts for only three of the penises
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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